so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
