hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
