hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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