apparently the secret to your success is patron
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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