im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
