if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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