Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
