Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
