i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
