my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
