Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
