Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
