The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
