You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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