i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
