just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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