Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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