i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
