When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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