Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
