I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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