do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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