Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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