I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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