whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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