"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
