my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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