I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
