dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
