You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
