I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
