peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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