There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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