Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
