Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
