Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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