Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
