dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just threw up on my dentist
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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