your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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