I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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