What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
