awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
