I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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