Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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