rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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