my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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