my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
