alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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