my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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