Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
